Secrets & Lies

I am way too good at keeping secrets.  I'm not talking about gossip.  When someone says, "Don't tell anyone about Diana getting knocked up."  Or, "I hear Jimmy has crabs."  Crap.  That was supposed to be a secret.  I bought lotion and it should be cleared up soon.   Anyway, stuff like that is all just gossip stuff and essentially harmless.  If you don't want people to know, they keep your trap shut, bitches!  I'm talking about true secrets.  Like, "I killed 3 people in Iowa and ate them for dinner."  That's a secret.  Creepy and frightening, but a secret none the less.  Or, "I just started dating Paris Hilton."  Which, would only be a secret to protect her anonymity...hahahahaha!  Please.  If I was dating her, then it would probably be me wanting it kept under wraps.  Hey, she's whorey and stupid, but she's hot.  Who am I kidding?  I'd release the tape as it was being made. 

I have friends tell me stuff sometimes.  You can always flesh out what is truly a secret.  And, that it remains.  So many times I want to blurt it out.  But, that whole loyalty crap comes into play.  Curses.  But, I loves my people and if they want something kept quiet, then quiet it is. 

While I'm good at keeping others secrets, I often have a big mouth when it comes to things about myself that I should probably not share.  Yeah, I'm one of those people who sometimes share WAY too much.  Often freaking my friends out in the process.  Yes, I like trolling the old folks homes for a hot and horny octogenarian.  I love experienced women.  Love flailing myself with a whip while saying my rosary.  Love singing Hillary Duff songs while I'm having sex.  Okay, crap.  Those aren't secrets.  Those are issues.  I should go into therapy. 

Some secrets that I would like you all to keep. 

My penchant for dressing up as Barbara Bush.  It's just something I do. 

Making girls dress up in outfits to please my geekiness.  Ergo, the "Princess Leia in slave outfit" from RETURN OF THE JEDI. Don't be calling me Jabba!

My love of the boobage.  Probably not a secret, that one.  You know me so well.

Finding out that I have two 16 year old daughters living in Seattle. They look just like daddy!

And then finding out about another daughter.  Man, I get around.  I guess that's what happens when you've been around the block more times than the ice cream man.  Mmmmmm....ice cream.  Think I'll go get some.

Okay, now keep all of this secret, kids.  Or I won't tell you about the family of midgets I keep under my bed.  Hey! I wanted my very own Oompa Loompas and they love it here!  So, keep it on the down low and go get your own! 

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Comments

[holly]

You better keep my secret! Although, not much to hide after this month's issue! You're email was sweet. Thanks for the cheer up! Love you!

[JEWEL]

I KNOW I HAVENT TALKED 2 U IN A MINUTE, BUT PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARENT REALLY YOUR KIDS???!!!!

[ez]

who's the fly princess leia honey? dayummmm!!!!