Ever been watching TV and a certain commercial comes on that is so annoying that you have to temporarily change the channel? I'm sure you have. Some commercials are so annoying that it makes me want to completely boycott whatever product is being sold. Even if it is something I might like. Sure, some commercials are quite clever and entertaining. Until they play them over and over again. The Geico ones. Budweiser. Then they play the shit out of them and it just gets bothersome. I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about the ones that suck from the very beginning. These are the ones that usually have some sort of pitch person. Someone hawking the wares. Like?
Pat Murphy-Stark. The only reason I know her name is because she always announces it at the beginning of the ad. "Hi, I'm Pat Murphy-Stark." I DON'T CARE! I didn't know who you were before this aired and I don't want to know you now! Do the Invention Channel powers that be think that by identifying the actress it will endear us to her? This isn't a hostage situation, bitches! Although, I suppose by the time I reach to find the remote to change the channel, it can feel like one.
The Fantanas. While at least they are cute to look at, that fucking song! Grrrrrr! No! I don't want a Fanta, I don't wanta, wanta Fanta! Well, I suppose I could just hit mute and watch. But the bright colors and stupid settings hurt my corneas.
There's those stupid "Debt Free" ads where the old guy says at the end, "Debt Free not only saved my life, but my marriage." Okay, isn't there a vow about "for richer, for poorer?" Nice wife. You are in financial trouble and she wants to leave you. Sure, if the back story is that the husband is an alcoholic gambling cheater who lost all the money, then fine. We don't get that back story though.
The Christian Children's Fund ads guilting you into giving money. The old white guy holding the poor brown girl in his arm and then trying to make you feel bad by saying something like, "Go ahead, change the channel, walk out of the room. Don't care. Be a heartless bastard. Let this child die. Even though the shirt I'm wearing costs more than this whole village." Well, maybe I paraphrased.
I'm sure there are several others that I just can't think of at the moment. And I know I go on and on, so I'll try to end it soon. Geez. Get off my back! I have to say the most annoying pitch person has to be George Zimmer.
Recognize this guy? Yeah, that's Zimmer. He's that smug asshole who is on the Men's Wearhouse commercials. He's the CEO of the company. Hey, pal! You're no Dave Thomas from Wendy's! Though he too was quite disturbing after awhile. Zimmer narrates and is in every commercial. You know the ones. "You are on your way to work and a cab splashes you. (Shot of cab splashing guy in suit.) No time to go back home. Come into Men's Wearhouse and get a new suit cheap. We get you back to work on time. And give your old wet suit to our child workers in the basement to dry and resell." Once again, paraphrasing. Always ends with that tag, "You're gonna like how you look. I guarantee it."
I used to throw things at the TV when this came on. Then, after 10 TVs in 4 months, I figured just changing the channel would be better. A friend actually saw this moron at a hotel lounge chilling with people around him. My friend said he kind of recognized him, but wasn't sure from where. Zimmer seemed aloof to those around him and was holding court. Later, my friend realized who it was and was sorry he stared so long at the jerk-off. They had made eye contact and Zimmer just looked at my friend like he was some fan looking for an autograph. What a dick. Well, I hope I never see him in public. Something in me might trigger and I may be forced to put my steel toed boot up his ass.
And after the big ass whooping, I would leave him with my tag line, "You're NOT gonna like how you look. I guarantee it! Bitch!"
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