This is going to be a nasty and weird story. And true. I know it's hard to differentiate in this blog cuz I always come with the jokes. Rest assured, it did happen. I ran into this guy the other night at the diner. Let's call him C. I used to work with C at a bar way back in '97. We never really hung out and he seemed like an alright guy. Very All-American ex-high school football quarterback looking type. Big guy. When I used to work out, hold the laughter...yes, I used to do that...anyway, he and I worked out at the same gym. He was steroid beefy. So, I never really wanted to cross him. And, I didn't. I left the job after awhile to do that whole acting tour thing. I would run into him off and on in the neighborhood. Normally, just small talk and what not. Always the same convo. He would say how much he hates the other bartender he works with that I always hated. We commiserate on that. Seriously, EVERY time we see each other. Same convo.
Then, the crazy emerged. It was probably always there, but just didn't have the opportunity to show it. I went to one of the diner's in my hood that I sometimes hit after work or after a late night on the town. Order some food and take it to go. About a year ago, I run into the diner. C is sitting at the sort of "to go" bar. I see him and we, of course, commiserate on the hated bartender. Oh, you're probably wondering why those guys still work in the same place bartending after 8 years. It's a hotel and it's union. So, they are banking it. Back to the lecture at hand. C is chilling and I go sit by him. Place my order and have to wait. Needless to say, that means we have to have a conversation. Once again, never had anything against the guy, just annoyed that we always talk about the same thing. Perhaps he felt the same thing, because he flipped the switch....BIG TIME!
C starts by saying he wants my advice about a girl. Refreshed at this query, I listen intently. To my dismay. He tells me he met this girl at the bar one night and they hit it off and were dating for a couple of weeks. He was REALLY into her. And he claims she really liked him. He tells me how they were joking around one day and somehow, and I honestly don't know how, they joked about her peeing in his mouth. I am not making this up. Gross, I know. He continues by telling me about how they were lying in bed and she gets up to go to the bathroom. He says, "Wait a minute, baby! Come do it in my mouth!" She laughs, thinking he's joking. He assures her he's serious because he loves her that much. He relates how creeped out she got and they dropped it. And, then, for some reason, she stopped taking his calls. He was genuinely incredulous. Had no idea why she wouldn't return his call.
Oh, it's not over. Pee in his mouth boy is a stalker. He goes on to tell me, "Jimmy, I've been calling her at least 10 times a day, texting her all the time, stopped by her apartment, etc. And she still doesn't get back to me. I'll do it early in the morning and late in the night. Still nothing." I ask how long they had been broken up. He says, "About a month." He's been stalking her for a month! For the love of Buddha! Mind you, C is the big beefy steroid dude. Realizing that he is now crazy made for a very awkward moment. Inner monologue at that moment, "WHERE THE HELL IS MY ROAST BEEF SANDWICH! GET ME OUTTA HERE!" I had no idea what to say. I try to suggest that maybe he should give it up. He says, "Are you sure? Maybe I'll try a few more times." He would not give up. Finally, I suggest, "Listen, dude. Give it one more try and then if you hear nothing after a day, then forget about it. Plenty of other girls out there to stalk...uh...harass...uh....love!" He reluctantly agrees. And, in the nick of time, the sandwich arrives. It wasn't even that good.
I hurriedly exit and ponder whether that convo had actually happened. Yep, it did. I often avoid that diner now in fear of running into C. It's apparently his late night, after work hang out. So, when I ran into him the other night, I just shrugged my shoulders and sat next to him. Apparently, he now lives in the neighborhood and has for awhile. That's why I often see him walking down the street. Lucky me.
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