Today is the last day to shop before Christmas. I would hate to have to deal with all of those crowds. Especially here in NYC. Good thing I got it all out of the way yesterday. Wait...did I?
HOLY SANTA'S BALLS!!!
I am so not done! This sucks total reindeer ass. What the hell am I gonna do? I guess I'll have to brave the crowds and fight for the last Chia Pet. IT'S MINE! GIVE IT TO ME! I'll go to Toys 'R Us and knock a kid over for his PSP. Get your mind outta the gutter. PSP=PlayStation Portable. Actually, a friend of mine and I use to go shopping every year on the 24th and laugh at all of the miserable people. Where would we go?
That's right. Macy's. The World's Largest Store! People are so pissed off on December 24th. Especially at Macy's for some reason. It's quite a sight to see. My friend, Kerri, and I would go every year. We'd smile, sing Christmas carols and greet everyone. Which would usually piss them off even more. The only ones that seemed to appreciate it were the sales clerks. Kerri was always a good partner to bring along on this endeavor. She's a Jew and not one of those for Jesus. She's just a Jew. A lonely Jew. On Christmas. So, what better to do than make fun of a bunch of so called Christians celebrating the commercialized version of Christmas?! And what's my excuse? I'm just a total bastard. Haven't you figured that out yet?
One year we were doing our thing and noticed either a couple or some friends arguing. Loudly. Seriously pissed off at each other. Over picking out Christmas gifts. Being the actors and brilliant improv people that we were, we kind of watched and observed. After that couple left, we continued on our way. Out of no where, one of us, and I can't remember which though I'm gonna say it's me cuz it's my blog....anyway...I started improvising a "couple fight". Kerri picked up on it immediately. To make it easier, I'm going to put my parts in blue and Kerri's parts in pink.
That's it! We're breaking up! Oh yeah? Well, I'm sick of you anyway! Christmas shopping with you is like getting a root canal! Painful and costly! At least I have taste, you stupid son of a bitch! Taste? HA! You call a set of orange and green coasters that say "Sit on me!" tasteful? Puh-leaze! Fuck you! At least I don't have to watch porn just to get aroused! Maybe I wouldn't have to watch it if you did more than just lay there! All I have to say is that the Asian stereotype is true in this relationship! Well, I used to be glad that you could suck a watermelon through a garden hose, until I realized that half of the upper west side felt the same way! That's it! I want your shit out of the apartment by the time I get home? It's MY apartment! So! So! Oh yeah? Oh yeah!...
Then we'd start pretending to make out. It was awesome. We would walk as we fought. Never too loud to get a security guard on us, but never too soft not to be heard. We'd often catch people kind of following us. It was our Annual Christmas Play at Macy's! Come on down this year and you might be able to catch the '05 version! You can find us downstairs in The Cellar. More room to move and all.
Then again, I may just sleep all day and show up to this at the door. 
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