April 15, 1865
As you all may remember, I was very excited to be a part of the Ford's Theatre production of Our American Cousin. My first lead, playing the titular cousin, Asa Trenchard! We have had a successful run and last night was a special benefit for President Lincoln. The cast was teeming with enthusiasm! Always been a big fan of Honest Abe myself and often wore a stove pipe hat just like him. Alas, no more. That fucking ass-winder, Booth, decided to steal my spotlight and shoot Lincoln. We're still not sure if he's going to make it. It's just past midnight and I'm off to bed soon.
To top it off, Booth wasn't even in the show! He's just a theatre resident and picks up his mail there. What happened, John? Some random chain letter upset you? Mommy didn't send you her weekly mail to remind you she loves you? And, to even further humiliate me, he chose his moment of infamy right after my gut busting line. "Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal—you sockdologizing old man-trap." I realize it doesn't make much sense out of context, but believe me....it's hilarious! How dare he steal my moment. My biggest and best laugh of all 3 acts! I swear, if he hadn't run off like he did, I would have shot him in the mouth. "Sic semper tyrannis?" What the hell does that mean and why did he shout right before shooting The President? Something about a tyrannosaurus? I didn't know he was a dinosaur buff. I mean, he's a weird dude. No question, but dinosaurs?
I know what you're thinking. President Lincoln has been shot and here I am complaining about not getting my kudos. As I said, I love Lincoln. But, this was supposed to be my shining moment that I worked long and hard for. Forgive me for feeling a sense of bitterness. Instead of remembering my brilliant performance last night, all anyone will remember is that cock sock Booth shooting The President. And yes, I was extra brilliant last night. I was hoping to get an invite to The White House. I've heard about those rocking parties that happen in Lincoln's bedroom.
I swear, I'm gonna kick that Booth's ass if I ever see him again. Challenge him to a duel or something. He always sucked in sword classes. Matter of fact, he always sucked...if you get my meaning.
Looks like I'll be auditioning for a new show now. Don't know what. Fret not, my loyal fans. I'll keep you informed via this daily post. I do hope Lincoln pulls through, but if he doesn't, then I suppose I'll have to change my resume. Instead of Our American Cousin, I'll put The Night That Dick, Booth, Shot The President and Ruined My Chance at Fame.
Then again, I did notice The President dozing off in Act 2, so here's to him surviving with better manners.
What? Too soon?
One of my favorite bands, and certainly one of my very favorite band names, is SoCal's now-hiatused John Wilkes Kissing Booth.
Posted by: mike. | August 14, 2006 at 10:01 AM