There was some crazy woman at work last night.
Wacko Jacko. Crazy go nuts. Bats in the belfry. Just outta Bellevue. Certifiable.
Or was she? Allow me to explain.
The waiters start a-buzzing, as they do, about some 20-something Asian girl (relevant later, bitches!) who ordered 2 meals and is sitting at a table by herself. I decide to glance over. She's sitting there having a complete conversation with someone. Who isn't there. There are plates on both sides. Drinks on both sides. We all immediately thought, "Okay. Wack job." I daren't make eye contact. However, the couple of times I looked over, it seemed like she wanted me to notice. Hmmmm.....
At the same time, there was a 30-something white woman at the bar. She looked REALLY depressed. Like she could cry any moment. Usually, I'll talk to anyone at my bar. Something about her told me not to. She'd either start bawling or snap at me. Her eyes kept darting around back and forth. Almost as if she wanted us to take notice. So, I, like the rest of the bar and wait staff, chose to ignore this woman as well. Hmmm.....
Say what you want. We're mean. We're assholes. Whatever. Stick with me.
Just then, the post-theater kick...uh...kicked in. The bar and restaurant got slammed. Depressed woman gets up and leaves. Says nary a word. Tips really well. At the other end of the bar, a large group of people arrive. Pretty fun 40-50 somethings. The "crazy" woman was sitting at a table directly behind them near the bar. Suddenly, I hear a raised voice. It's crazy woman. Screaming. "Fuck you, William! No, I'm not going to marry you!" One of my fun group thinks it funny and comments, "Yeah, you tell him!" She says to him, "That's right! You tell him too!" She rushes out of the door all dramatic-like with another "Fuck you, William".
My fun group and I start to analyze. I run over to the wait staff to see if she paid. Yes, she had. And she tipped well. Hmmm....
The conspiracy theorist in me awakens. My first thought is that she was an actress doing some lame acting class exercise or researching a role to get people's reaction to someone talking to air. Part of the fun group suggest that maybe she's writing a paper for the same reason. I think we were both pretty close. Had she really been crazy, she wouldn't have paid and tipped so well. And, the fun group, as I had noticed, said that she kept making eye contact. Almost to see if people were looking. So, we all agreed. Actress or psychology major. Seemed obvious.
Then, I thought. Hmmm...I wonder if the 2 were together. They got there relatively at the same time. One just had drinks and didn't say a word. The other one made a scene. 2 opposite extremes. They both paid and tipped very well.
They were in cahoots! Those cahooting cahooters!
We weren't positive about this theory. Just hoping it were true and that the girl wasn't really crazy, just acting. And the depressed woman was doing the same. Of course, I bet if I turn the news on now, there'll be some crazy Asian chick going all "Kill Bill" on tourists in Times Square screaming "WILLIAM!". Meanwhile, a depressed white woman will be found passed out drunk, make up running down her face from tears with an Emily Dickinson book.
About 20 minutes later, one of the ladies in my fun group excitedly calls me over. "Bartender! BARTENDER!" I rush over to see what the fuss is all about. She shrieks, "She's back!" I wasn't sure what she meant at first, then realized she was talking about the crazy chick. I look over. "No, it's not her." The lady insists, "Yes, it is! And she has a man with her! I wonder if it's William!" Her thirst for the story to continue had her convinced it was the same girl. I look again. "Nope. It's not her. I'm positive."
Yep. The girl was Asian. And, no, they looked nothing alike. Except that they were Asian. I playfully told the lady, "Well, we all look alike. You know. Us Asians." She shrunk in her chair.
Okay, that's what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just told her it positively wasn't the same girl. I internally forgave her unintended stereotyping. It made me chuckle.
I would describe these women to you so that you could be on the look out. Just to see if they do it again. But, as you see, Asians are hard to tell apart. And, for me...all of you whitey's look the same.
Of course, another theory is that the Asian girl could have been dining with a ghost. You never know. Poor William. He can't escape her craziness even in the afterlife.
Where's Jennifer Love Hewitt when you need her?
That's Joe and I with Blair Butler back at Comic-Con in July. She hosts the segment, "Fresh Ink" on G4TV's 
