The 2007 Miss Universe Pageant was on last night. I haven't watched a pageant in ages. I decided to record it. And boy, am I glad I did! Hot girls from around the world and a lot of unintentional funny!
First up, we have Mario Lopez and Vanessa Minnillo as hosts. Wise choice, since it was held in Mexico City. They can understand the stage hands between takes! Then, we have the judges. Very random. Dave Navarro, "Ando" from HEROES, the Dallas Cowboys QB, some gay designer, some Mexican soap star, some former pageant queen, some DEAL OR NO DEAL model and Michelle Kwan. Random. I think you had to send in 10 cereal box tops to become a judge. Sounds like a new career for me! Pageant judge!
The show opens with each contestant coming out for a brief moment, introducing themselves, saying their age and where they're from. Oh, and they are dressed in some sort of alien superhero-esque type costume that is supposed to represent where they are from. For example, Miss USA wore a pants suit ala Elvis Presley and pretended to play a fake guitar. Get it? She's All-American!
Some outfits were so ridiculous and covered the girls up so much. I swear that one of them was wearing a tent and an over sized chef's hat.
And yes...there was a Miss Kazakhstan. Borat's home country! She was absolutely beautiful. But, her home costume....let's just say Borat would have been proud. What the fuck is that supposed to be?
Lots of beautiful women. Hey, look at Miss Slovenia. Looks like she hasn't eaten in a year. Have a sandwich, ya skinny chick! Ooh. There's Miss Thailand. Kinda looks like Lucy Liu. And Miss Japan. Huh. She kinda looks like Lucy Liu too. And here comes Miss Korea. Wow. Another Lucy Liu. Well, you know how those Asians all look alike.
Coolest name of the pageant. Miss Tanzania. Flaviana Matata. And yes, it immediately reminded me THE LION KING. "Hakuna Matata", anyone? I wonder if her boyfriend sings to her. "Flaviana Matata. What a wonderful babe. Flaviana matata. Ain't no passing babe!" She also had one of the coolest looks. Tall, beautiful black woman with an almost bald head. No weave. No extensions. Pure beauty. Sure, I'd throw a wig on her, but that's just me. Oh, and...second runner up for coolest name. Miss Korea. Honey Lee. Yeah.
The bikini part was done to the pop stylings of Mexican super guy/girl group, RBD. No idea what it stands for. The girls walked down between the verses in the song. All wearing 2 pieces. And heels. Nice! None of that one piece shit here!
Before we cut down to the Top 5, they give out the lame awards. Miss Photogenic. Miss Philippines! Woo hoo! Represent, sista! And then, Miss Congeniality. Miss China. Really? A commie was everyone's friend. Right on. Asians are represented!
Top 5: Korea, Venezuela, Brazil, USA and Japan. Wow. Asians really representing. And as always, some South Americans in the final 5. And of course, USA sticks around because it's the nation that runs the telecast. And, she got lots of boo's from the Mexican crowd. Apparently in protest to the immigration problem going on. Silly Mexicans. Citizenship is for kids! (Well, kids born in the US!) Seriously though...lame protest. You're booing a woman that has nothing to do with it. Nice.
Now we're down to the dreaded questions. You know. The contestants all answer how they would save the world and stuff like that. Dave Navarro basically asks a girl out with his question. And I'm paraphrasing here, "So, hey hottie. Would you rather go out with a wild dude or play it safe? If you give me a quick tug, I'll vote for you." Nice, Dave. Use your status as a judge to get some! "Ando" gets to ask Miss Korea, "If you could have any type of a superpower, what would it be and why?" She starts in with the typical, "I would like a power that would allow me to save the world, etc, blah, blah, blah." Yeah, but would she save the cheerleader first! But, I give her points for adding, "Oh, and the power to never have an empty wallet." Great funny moment. Miss Japan's interpreter is a small white dude. I almost wet myself. Scratch that. I did.
They go straight to the winners after that.
- 4th Runner-Up: USA (Sorry whitey's)
- 3rd Runner-Up: Korea (Honey Lee no love you long time)
- 2nd Runner-Up: Venezuela (I got nothing)
Down to 2! Brazil and Japan. Brazil will take it. Can't remember the last time they let an Asian win.
Oh snap! Upset! Brazil takes 1st Runner-Up and Lucy Liu Japan wins! Riyo Mori, the little dancer who wants to perform on Broadway! Good luck with that. They don't call it "The Great White Way" for nothing! They usually only hire us brown folk to fill their ethnic quotas. But, she'll have some pull as Miss Universe.
Look for her to take over the lead the new Broadway musical, Legally Blonde Regarry Bronde.
