This will be lengthy so bear with me please. My mom died Wednesday afternoon. I am uncontrollably grief stricken and have been crying horribly since I found out. This may seem strange to some of you as you knew we had a strained relationship. I've always said that doesn't mean I don't love her. And I do. I just wish I was stronger and could have been more supportive and loving instead of letting things get to me. I'm so sorry, mom.
She had a heart attack over 2 months ago. I'll admit. I wasn't calling as much as I should. Some suggested I could do better and I realized they were right. I should have come to that conclusion on my own but I did start calling her literally every day for the past month. Sometimes we would talk for seconds and other times a few minutes. Sometimes she sounded better & upbeat and other times not well.
I kept trying to make plans to go down to Florida to see her but she insisted I wait til she was out. I should have just went down anyway and had resolved myself that I was just going to do it soon. Like next week. But she was waiting to hear where they were moving her. Honestly, I even talked to friends about maybe moving down there for a bit. That would mean uprooting everything but i was contemplating it.
I called Monday & she was sleeping so wasn't up to talking. Then I called Tuesday afternoon. She answered and was yelling "Help me please!" over and over. Of course, that was quite harrowing as she sounded like she was in pain. I told her to push the button for the nurse and to hang up so I could call the front desk. I did and told them to check on her and to call me back if anything major was happening. Got up late on Wednesday because of normal insomnia and planned on calling when I did arise. I had a message from the rehab center where she was located asking me to call. At first, I thought it was about the night before since I called. Then I got anxious and nervous. Waited to call for a few minutes and finally did. The kind woman, whom probably has made that call many times in her career, calmly told me mom had passed close to 1pm. I was numb. And hung up.
I sat there for about 30 seconds and then burst into tears shouting "I'M SORRY MOM" over and over again. That may come across hypocritical to some as they knew the mentioned history. But I'm being sincere. I contacted my cousin and a few friends and a therapist friend. All were great and I thank them so much. I talked to my Uncle Bob and Aunt Nancy whom live down in Jacksonville as well and have been in charge of it all since she's been in. I said I could come down as soon as possible. Aunt Nancy said there really wasn't any need. Mom didn't want a service and wanted to be cremated. Which I knew was the case but I wasn't thinking in the moment.
Aunt Nancy also said mom wasn't really herself and that she was glad I didn't come down as mom didn't want me to see her like that. Still I wish I had.
I was told that on Wednesday morning, she seemed peaceful and nicely was talking to one of the staff so I'm hoping she went peacefully as well. She's out of pain now.
Of course, I feel guilty and regretful. I think a lot of people would. I cried uncontrollably most of Wednesday off and on. And it continued yesterday a bit. I couldn't sleep even worse than normal on Wednesday and not much last night either.
Mom wanted her ashes spread where my grandmother had hers up in Michigan. I'm planning on doing that in the near future. I think it would be a nice way to say goodbye.
That all being said, I'm am going to try my best to continue doing what I do. Everyone I talked to (including my psychologist/therapist friends) said I should. Everyone grieves differently and I don't think there is a right way. Producer Joe and some friends are stepping in over the next few weeks to handle the podcast. I'll still promote it and there'll be some fun stuff coming. I took Thursday off but am back to work Friday. I may make usual travels. We'll see.
As for grieving, I'm going to do it in my own time. Some days will be better than others, I'm sure. You may see me posting about a movie and then you may not see me posting for days. I'll have to figure out the process as it goes. Thank you all for your love and support.
Mom, I am so sorry I wasn't the best son. I love you and always will. I always praise how you raised us as best you could under the circumstances and I never faulted you for it. You would make birthdays and Christmas so special even on a limited budget. You signed me up for soccer, basketball, football, etc. and came to every game. I expressed interest in theater and singing and dancing. You came to every show. If I wasn't quite ready with a school project, you trusted me enough to know I'd get it done. You did your best to keep us involved in things we wanted to do even if it meant sacrificing something you may have wanted to do or get. I've always appreciated that. I am sorry that over the years that we grew apart and I wasn't as accepting or supportive as I should have been. I will have to live with that. But I hope you know how much I love you. I know we both were dealing with our own mental health issues. Not an excuse but please forgive me for not being the best I should have been. Much love always.
I don't have any recent pictures going years back as she didn't like having her picture taken since she was mostly homebound. But I've added some random ones at the top from various years.
My mom had recently started signing off emails and cards with, "All my love, All my life". I guess I never really saw it for what it meant. Loving for an entire lifetime. That made me think of the song I sang at my grandmother's funeral over 20 years ago. "Mama A Rainbow". I'm not sure why, but I want to sing it for her so I hope you all understand. And thank you for hanging in there and reading this. I needed to get it all out. I'm sure there's more and I hope to speak with some of you soon.
Meanwhile, mom. This song is for you. I love you.
Jimmy