My brother-in-law sent me this. An homage to my nephew, Maximus. If you don't know, my sister had a little baby boy named Maximus on May 6th. I'm a first time Uncle!
No, he doesn't have a pumpkin for a head, though that would make him a great super villain. I'm grooming him to be a superhero, of course. Check him out.
See that look of confidence? He's ready to take down all evildoers!
Well, it's either that or he just pooped his pants.
1 year ago today I married my sister. Whoa! Take it easy there, ya mooks. I mean I performed her wedding ceremony as I'm ordained. Yes, got it online. Shut it.
Congrats, sis! Here's to many more! 
Happy Birthday to the bestest sis and new mommy ever! Take a little break and relax today. You deserve it. Love you!!
I don't think I've mentioned it here yet. Not sure why. Anyway, my sister is gravid. Yep, I said it. Gravid. Oh, sorry. This isn't the 1600's any more. SHE'S PREGNANT!
There she is over there giving the little one a wee shot of the family addiction. No, no. That's her on the wedding day calming the nerves.
Sis called me up about a month ago and drops the news on me. "Hey, bro. I just wanted to see when you wanted to bring your comics over here. You know, before the baby arrives. So, anyway, we'll just figure out a time..."
Yeah, she was just slipping it in there! You funny lady, sis! I'm so stoked for her and Bob and hell, for myself! I can now add Uncle to my many other titles including Reverend, Master, Doctor, Pimp and Daddy (DNA test still pending).
Her married last name is Bell. Of course, she joked that if it was a girl, her name would be Liberty. Which made me think of the superhero first instead of the historic cracked bell in Philly. Yeah, I'm a nerd. Still thinking nerdy, I told her to copy Nicolas Cage. If it's a boy, Kal-El Bell.
Then, a stroke of genius hit. Or just a stroke. Too much red meat and cheese, probably. I told her to name the boy Calvin. Cal for short. Go on. You're already ahead of me. Cal Bell. Say it out loud. SAY IT!!
Then he would have a Christopher Walken sound byte for the rest of his life. "Guess what? I've got a fever! And the only prescription...is more..."
Well, you know the rest.
I now present to you.....Robert and Marsha Bell!
Oh wait. I should probably start from the beginning, right? Well, you got the ceremony all posted for you a few days back, so you know what happened. But, you know me...I'll embellish and expound.
Complete with pictures! I didn't take many since I was all holy and shit. But, I got some from a couple of wedding attendees. (Thank you Cortese siblings!) The official wedding pics probably wont be available for another month or so. These will have to do. Enjoy, bitches.
As previously mentioned, I attended the non rehearsal dinner on Friday, July 6th. There's me & sis. Me with the groom to be, Bob, and his good buddy, Mike. There are the bridesmaids and then the groomsmen. Then we have Marsha's other brother, Tony, with his daughter, Sydney. Other brother Tony? Are you confused? Man, do you have some catching up to do. Marsha and I have the same dad. Marsha and Tony have the same mom. Got it? Good. Do your homework, punks!
And for picking door #3, I won a brand new Burberry watch! Woo hoo! Yep, that's me modeling it, with Mikey (The Bitch of Honor) admiring it. Yeah, I used to be a wrist model. How could you tell? Actually, Sis and Bob bought me the watch for being the right Reverend Jimmy. Man, this holy shit has some perks!
Later that night, we go back to Mikey & Jenn's house to chill. Bob and a couple of his friends come over and we just have a few beers and hit the sack early.
Next morning, we get up for a late breakfast and more chilling. It was here, that Jen schooled Mikey and I about the music for the wedding and reception. This whole time, I thought sis was picking out songs for all of our entrances for the wedding. Nope. It was the reception. The ceremony would have a steel drum band playing the traditional bride's entrance music and incidentals. Jen just gave us that, "Thank god you guys are pretty" look. We finished up breakfast and came back to Mikey & Jen's for some R & R. At one point, I saw Bob checking last minute flights out of town but I was able to smooth talk him out of it with my holy ways. The shotgun helped too.
Soon, we were dressed and ready to head to the wedding. What's with the Hawaiian shirts? Well, there was a luau at the strip club on the way and we just wanted to get as much bachelor life in before committing Bob to "the end of days". No, no. It was a Hawaiian themed wedding, ya silly coconut head.
We drive over to the wedding just in time to pick up my friend, Christina, from the train station. My best bud, John, was supposed to attend, but couldn't make it. Which, in retrospect, would have been a little gay. And we all know there are no gay clergyman out there. Am I right?
Plus, Christina's cute and a good dancer. Of course, John might have been a good dancer. Next time, I'll give him a chance. Who knows? Maybe he's all Fred Astaire and shit. Man. This is getting really gay. Let's move on.
The wedding was being held at The Breakers hotel in Spring Lake, New Jersey. Right on the beach. We would be having the ceremony on the deck overlooking the beach. I mingle for a moment and then head up to my sister's room. She's up there finishing her pre-wedding stuff with the bridesmaids. I wanted to see how she was doing and go over the ceremony with her. Okay, yes. And look at the hot bridesmaids too. I was gonna have Mikey go up and tell her that I called from a strip club at 3am and never came back to his place. But, figured she didn't need the stress and wouldn't find it funny. Sis looked beautiful in her dress. I was all proud! The wedding photographer was up there snapping away as well. Nice guy, but came across like a creepy porn director when he was taking pics. "Oh yeah. That's hot, girls. Get closer, girls. Really nice, girls. etc". I swear I heard him say, "Now start making out and undressing, ladies." But, that could have just been me.
Sis was making all sorts of last minute adjustments and taking pics. If she was nervous, she didn't show it. Suppose that bottle of courage she's swigging over there helped a bit.
I hung out a bit longer and then went back down to talk to Bob and the groomsmen. Things seemed a little confusing before start up. But, we had the hotel wedding planner there to help smooth things out. At one point, the leader of the steel drum band comes up to me. "So, when do we play the music?" What the fuck? I'm just the holy guy. I don't know nothin' 'bout playin' no music! We work it out and tell him that Mikey will signal him to start the "Here Comes the Bride" music. Another crisis averted.
We work out the entrances with the wedding planner and it's almost time. The guys are all gathered by the bar and we joke that we should do some shots. I was suddenly a bit nervous. As a recovering actor, I've performed in front of thousands. But, this was a bit more real and meaningful. Ain't hatin' on my Jesus Christ Superstar days, but just saying. I order a shot and the bartender says, "We can't serve until after the ceremony." And then points to a sign that states: Due to hotel policy, shots are not allowed. I plead that I'm the Reverend to no avail. I threaten to curse him to the pits of hell. Nothing. Good thing some people had drinks in their hands. I grabbed a couple and gulped them down. Sorry about that, nice lady who's drink I snagged!
The boys go to their places to make their entrances. Naturally, my holy self is first. Followed by the rest of the groomsmen. We take our places. A bit of a tight squeeze on deck, but all good. Slowly, the girls start to enter and after Jen, the Maid of Honor, it's time for Marsha. Except the steel drum leader isn't paying attention. Mikey and I are wildly gesturing to him and he's jamming out on his steel drum like he's in Metallica or something. Finally, I just walk over and tap him. "Dude. Here comes the Bride." He snaps out of it and the official music starts.
Marsha enters and takes her place next to Bob.
I start preaching. You read the ceremony I did a few posts back. It really was that quick and easy. Procession. Greeting. Lei exchange. Ring exchange. Vows. Pronouncement of Marriage. Kiss. Hawaiian verse to close. Party on!
Some people, including the bride and groom, got a little teary eyed during the brief reception. Not I! There's no crying in baseball Reverends! Cute moment during the vows. Instead of immediately repeating after me, sis pauses on the "for richer, for poorer" line. Got a big laugh. Well played, sis!
Time for pics on the beach! The porn wedding photographer took us all down there for about 30 minutes for pics. Then back to the bar for some good drinking! The reception room isn't ready until a certain time so we hang on the deck. Open bar and passed hors d'oeuvres. Sweet. So many people came up to me saying it was the best wedding they've ever been to. Mostly due to the levity and brevity. It's a wedding, not saving the world people! Have some fun and be quick about it!
Reception time! Now this was where the individual entrance music would occur. Sis had picked out my music for me. I'm the first to enter again and they play, "Pimp Juice" by Nelly. Hey, she knows me well! The rest of the party enters and finally it's time for her entrance. "Gold Digger" by Kanye West. That's right. We ghetto.
The DJ and his partner started things off with the first dance by the wedding couple. I was standing next to Karen, Bob's sister. And she was tearing up as were many around me. I suddenly felt a bit misty, but turned and held it back. A bit. Puh leaze. I don't cry. She hands me a tissue, which I take just to be nice. Cuz...really. I wasn't crying!
Then, instead of the father/daughter dance, they did the brother/sister dance. Tony got the first half of the dance and it was very sweet. That's them in the first shot.Then, they called me up. Yeah, that's us in the last few shots. Sis was already crying. She says, "I'm so glad you found me. They tried to keep us apart but couldn't!" I hugged her tight and said, "It's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I'm so proud of you." Then, suddenly, this...this...water started coming from my eyes. It was like that scene in Flash Gordon where Princess Aura sees Dale Arden crying.
Aura: Father. There's water coming from her eyes!
Ming the Merciless: They call them "tears". A sign of their weakness.
Crap. I cried. Get over it, ya mooks. It was the first time in years, so I had it coming. And it was a touching moment, so eat it. After our dance, it was time for the mother/son dance. Very nice as well. A little more dancing and then we all sat at our tables. Of course, Bob and Marsha were at the front. I was at table 1 right behind them. Drinks started immediately at the bar. And soon, the buffet started. Pretty sweet spread. Chicken, roast beef, salmon, pastas, potatoes, stuffed mushrooms, and more! Being at table 1, I was first to eat. Which I liked, more time to mingle. Which I did. I know a few of their friends and was running around with them. Mikey and I seemed to approach the bar at the same time on many occasions. We do enjoy imbibing in the libations.
Mikey got up to give his "Bitch of Honor/Best Friend" speech. Quite funny! Told a great bit about having to "talk Bob off of the roof in the morning". Those speeches are always trepidatious. Usually, you'll get someone really unfunny that thinks they are funny and you get crickets. Mikey rocked the mic and got some big laughs!
More dancing and mingling. Christina and I had done a little swing dance to the lone swing number played. All good. My fat ass can't be dancing up there all night. I get winded checking my email. And, of course, there's always that one person who thinks the night is about them. One dude, while a good dancer, just wouldn't stop putting the attention on himself. Breakdancing, etc. Sure, funny the first song or 2, but just a bit annoying after. (To be fair, it's not just me. A few people mentioned it.) Seriously, this was my sister's day! Not his. I almost did the big brother thing and went over to him. "Sit. The. Fuck. Down." But, it was a friend of theirs and they seemed to expect it and not mind, so all good, I suppose.
Time to remove the garter.
I couldn't watch, but someone took a pic.
Then, it was tossing time! Not tossing cookies. Tossing bouquets and garters. Now, let me preface by saying that I have caught many a garter. My odds looked pretty good here. First up, was the bouquet toss. Marsha flings it back. Seriously, look at that throw. She could have landed that foliage into Canada. But, it lands in the hands of....Karen! Bob's sister.
Next up, garter toss. I made a joke that the Reverend should catch. It seemed like the others were actually going to let me. But, then, Karen's oldest son (about 12) was right in front. She was trying to get him to sit down. As were the rest of us. I don't think he got the idea that he'd be putting that garter onto his mother's leg. So, Bob, being a good uncle, flung the garter all the way to the right way out of his reach. So far right that someone had to just walk over and pick it up. Daniel was the lucky winner! Though, I still think it would have been funny had I got the garter. The brother of the bride and sister of the groom. Way too cute. Oh well, when I tell this story again I'll just say I caught it. Someone can photoshop a pic of me putting the garter on Karen, right?
More dancing and drinking and mingling. Then, cake time! Everyone was yelling to get them to do the stereotypical smashing of the cake in the face bit. I'm glad they went all cutesy instead. Just a dab on the face. Sis and Bob did great with not having all of the wedding cliche's. Kudos for that. It was non-traditional and all fun!
More dancing and then 11pm rolls around. Time to bug out. Mikey and Jen decided to throw an impromptu party back at their crib. But, Christina and I had to catch the Midnight train back to NYC. Besides, the hot girls I was ogling weren't going. Everyone starts grabbing center pieces. They were large fish bowls with flowers on top. Some of the fish had died in some of them. Guess they got all emotional over the ceremony. I went up to Marsha and Bob's room with them to officially sign the documents of marriage. Man, I'm all official and shit. As well as holy and shit!
This was the most personal meaning wedding that I have attended in years. And I got to officiate it! I think I may have a side job. I'm available for weddings, funerals and baptisms! Hell, I'll even do a bris. Just show me where to snip!
While I've only known my little sis for about 6 or 7 years, I feel like I've watched her grow up a bit. She is a smart, funny, creative and beautiful woman. And she found herself a good one. Bobby is awesome. I hang out with him almost more than Marsha when I come visit them in the great Garden State. I was a beaming proud big brother last weekend.
And you know what? I think I've got that ending to the story of how I found my sister.
I love you Marsh! You rock. We wok. (Duh...cuz we're Asian).
